Dear Friend,
I continue. The folks surrounding you that are not medical personnel may struggle with how to talk to you. It will frustrate you. It will frustrate them. Once, I was speaking to the 13 year old daughter of a 40 year old acquaintance. She said, "Dad doesn't get it. He has no clue what is going on with me." I asked her how many times in his life her father had been 40 years old with a 13 year old daughter. "Never," she replied. I then asked how many times in her life she had been 13 years old with a 40 year old father." Again, "Never." I responded, "You both are sorting and working your way through this. Give each other a break."
There, I said it. There are no rules in front of you about the emotional and physical of all this. There are medical guidelines you need to follow as far as letting who know what when you feel pain, fever, nausea, etc. But even those are kind of hard to follow sometimes. You may feel like you need to "tough it out" with some things. Stick to the guidelines. Some physical symptoms can lead to worse symptoms and they can come on quickly. I'm not saying it will happen. Just know you have support with that and take full advantage of that. I will admit I tried to "tough out" some symptoms at various times and fortunately I was in the chemo room when they happened. Talk about attention!
Getting back to the "communication struggle." I once vocalized my concerns about how others were talking to me with my Nurse Practitioner and she explained that I was the one that needed to set the tone for how others talked to me. If they felt my anxiety, they would absorb it. If I spoke in anger, they would respond in anger. It was an early challenge from her, but a well timed one. If I could face that challenge, then it would help me step up to the physical challenge I was facing.
Another communication frustration is when others will want to connect with you by sharing stories of people they know who are going through a cancer journey and all of the bitter details involved. Bless their hearts. I'll insert an anecdote here. Not long after I started treatment, someone approached me and told me a story about how a friend of theirs had been receiving chemo for a cancer diagnosis and then developed a heart ailment. They explained that the heart ailment was attributed to the effects of chemo on their friends' heart. I shook my head and asked, "How is your friend doing now?" Got the answer and then changed the subject.
These folks mean well and that is the only thing they know to say at the time. You may want to tell them, "If that is all you have to say to me, then don't say anything at all." But know this, they are trying to reach out to you and that is a stumble on their part. Your challenge is to be the one to catch them when they stumble. How do you do that? If you are comfortable, share a little of your new knowledge with them. If not, ask them how they are doing. I would sometimes say, "Tell me some stories about what you have been up to." Their eyes and body language will thank you.
Don't get hung up in some of the actual messages. Focus on the care and compassion that is at the root of the message. Once I really started paying attention to that, my stress level diminished and the conversation topics started changing. You can also simply say, "The door is open for ANY questions you may have." That can help take the edge off for you and others. But, only if you are comfortable with it. By being open, you will help take away some of the mystique and inaccurate information that exist about the world of cancer.
Up next, how to "torment" the medical folks and ultimately endear yourself to them.
And now....rest.
*Gilbert and Sullivan
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