A Grand Day For You

Walking into the pub, Patick said to the bartender,
"Pour me astiff one, Sean. I just had another tiff with
the little woman."
"Oh yeah," said Sean. "And how did this one end?"
"Well I'll tell ya now when it was over," Patick replied, "herself came
to me on her hands and knees, she did."
"You don't say? Now that`s a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come
out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!


A group of Americans was touring Ireland.
One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining.
The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible.
It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.
The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.
"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,"the guide said.
"Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it.
Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."
"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted.
"We have some other boring tour to go on.
So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."
"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."
"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.
"No, ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."


An Irishman walks into the pub and orders three pints of Guinness.  He   asks that they be brought over to him at the table.  The Irishman drinks   the pints one at a time and then leave.  This routine goes on for about   two months.  Finally, the bartender asks why the Irishman has the three  pints.  "Well'" he says, " The first pint is for me brudder in Amerikay and the second is for me brudder in England."  The bartender nods in   agreement and tells the lads at the bar who have witnessed the comings   and goings for the two months.  Several weeks latter, the Irishman  enters the pub and orders two pints.  As the bartender walks up to the  table with a pint in each hand, he says. "If you don't mind my asking, have you lost one of your brother?"  The Irishman pauses for a second, sees the two pints and says, "Oh forsakes no, me missus has me off the liquor.


O'Malley was leaving his favorite bar when he was run over by a bus. He gets to the gates of heaven and St. Peter tells him he cannot enter unless he passes a test. What choice did he have, O'Malley agrees to try as he never was the brightest bulb in the box.

St. Peter decides to go easy on him, 'What has 5 fingers and is made of black leather?' he asks. O'Malley scratches his head, thinks hard and finally gives up. 'It's a glove says St. Peter.' Let's try again. 'What has 10 fingers and is made of black leather?' asks St. Peter. O'Malley is clearly stumped. After a few minutes of pacing in a circle and scratching his head, O'Malley gives up. 'Why it's 2 gloves - don't you see 10 fingers, black leather, says St. Peter amazed.' Being in a generous mood, St. Peter decides to give O'Malley yet another chance but thinking of an even easier question.

'Who is the patron Saint of Ireland?' asks St. Peter, thinking he can't miss this.
'It wouldn't be 3-gloves, would it?' says O'Malley.