Secretly Whining

There are some things that go through the mind that I will not post here. I can say I'm taking the compassionate route and not laying stuff on you that could be difficult. Mainly, it's because once I say it, it's out there and I'm not sure I'm correct in some of the conclusions at which I've arrived.

"Very often find confusion in conclusion I concluded long ago-o." You are correct, that's a repeat from a blog post from last year.

I will tell you that I am not as fired up at this very minute about being a volunteer in some form for cancer patients in my future. I will be later. Just not right now. The folks I talked to in the early going about the grand things I was going to do once I was finished with all of this would say, "Wait at least 6 months after things get back to normal for you and you have time to adjust before you start immersing yourself in any activities related to your cancer experience. If you start too early and you bail out, you'll let some people down." Wise words.

One thing I did conclude, and this is a very candid and honest statement, came from a question someone had the courage to ask of me in the early stages of all of this. They asked, "Have you thought about whether or not you may die from this and what are your thoughts on that?" I replied that I had given lots of thought to it and although I am not afraid of dying and I look forward to the day I die, I wasn't ready to do it right then. I expressed that there was still more stuff to do. That remains my position.

As far as why I'm not afraid of death, I think of Tim Russert. I had the opportunity to see him live on 3 occasions at The Richmond Forum. He was a very gracious, down to earth and humorous individual. When he died, I was saddened by his passing, but I rejoiced for him. My statement on his passing was, "Tim Russert finally knows 'the secret.'" In my mind, his first words in the afterlife were, "No Kidding!"(edited for the PG rating)

I was talking to the pastor at my church yesterday and told him that even though I was a bit weary mentally, I know that I have seen and experienced lots of things that are true miracles in the past year. Had you told me on October 27, 2008 what was ahead of me and the people and things I would experience, I may have replied in the same manner as Tim Russert.


“The fairest thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the fundamental emotion which stands at the cradle of true art and true science. He who know it not and can no longer wonder, no longer feel amazement, is as good as dead, a snuffed-out can” - Albert Einstein